Tag: love

Hi

I miss you. Still do. Always will. Would be easier if I didn’t, and we both know it. But here we are.

I still wish you the best, and I hope you do the same for me. Hope we can reconnect one day. Whenever that day may be. But work on yourself. I won’t be in your way now.

Don’t be afraid of how we left things. I was hurt by you, but I hold no grudge for it. I did apologize for what I’ve done several times. I know you accepted, but my actions still haunt and upset you. But don’t let that cloud your perception of me and all the good memories we shared.

I still love you and I support you.

Still…

You’ve told me time and time again you’re not ready. You care for me and appreciate my own care to an extent. But I know my care can be smothering. I am sorry for not giving you space despite our distance. But please, be direct and say when my unloading is upsetting you, or you just don’t feel like talking. The only reason I confided in you was because I trusted you. I never expected you to have all the answers. Nor did I ever expect you to continue to listen to me drone on. Please let me know when to change the subject, and I’ll gladly oblige. I’ll gladly make changes, and I already had. You had too. I’d halt myself from getting too dismal, and you’d begun to tell me directly when you were uncomfortable. Change was minimal, but I wish you could really see the progress.

I really miss you, and I bet you miss me. I think of you a lot as we approach the month of your birth. Likewise, I did want to reach out again months ago, but was displeased to see I was barred from accessing you through several communication outlets. Even searching your name in a directory or search engine is too much for me. I’d love to find other ways to connect with you, but not if it isn’t what you want. Since you were the one to stop this, you’ve left it in your own hands to be the one to restart it. Please, do not feel perturbed to do this. I have forgiven you and have no respite at all. Sometimes I think you wish I did, and I had, but grudges just hinder our fortitude. I stopped being angry because I know you are going through significant challenges just as everyone else. Further, I understand my presence in your life presents a duality that you can’t confront just yet. Please know that whenever you are ready to restart our friendship, I will be here with open arms.

I love you…still.

A vivid dream

You were in my dream last night. My brother had told my mom and I that my sister was talking to you, seated across from one another at a small dining table in what seemed to be a restaurant, on an outside patio. My brother, mother and I were seated in a dining booth. I can’t remember if my father were present.

I walked over to your table, and somehow got the impression my sister liked you more than I did. I approached you meekly, as we’ve been noncommunicative for far too long, and I worried you were still cross, and continue to urge me to forget you. But you were your true self–your best self–and just as kind to me as the moment we began texting. You were funny, smart, charming, appreciative, and sympathetic.

I may have mentioned the argument you initiated, the one I didn’t want to end until it had graduated into a compromising moral. You may have apologized, may have said it was a rough time at that moment, and you don’t hold it against me. I may have even seen you take out your phone, find my name in that messaging service, and remove the block on me. All or part of that could have happened, but I’m uncertain; you know how fuzzy dreams can get.

Then we walked along a field, and I think my family accompanied us, loosely. You began to look different. Your hair got longer, and you wore it in a bun at the back of your head. Then your nose got crooked. Then maybe your beard grew out, maybe your skin lightened or darkened–I don’t fully remember, it was a dream. I felt unsure if you were the same person, even though you were still handsome and had a similar personality. I was unsure if I could recognize you as the same individual. Then the dream ended.

I don’t know what this means, but it made me hopeful that you might be thinking of me, missing me, and forgiving me, maybe changing for the best. To certify this optimism, when I got dressed this morning, I put on the same shirt I had worn the last time we met in person.

Dedicated to someone

A year ago today, you told me that you loved me, and I said the same. I was surprised that I was brave enough to admit it aloud to you and myself.

Now, you haven’t talked to me in several months, and denied me any access to reaching out. I was very depressed and confused about this at first, but I think I understand now. My love is very intense, as is my trust and reliance in you. It can be very intimidating and overwhelming. You cherish it sometimes, but other times it is too much for you to bear. You don’t have all the answers, you can’t mend the source of my upset into a tidy, compact package of resolution, and neither could I with your problems. But I admitted it. You sometimes get tongue-tied and feel neglected, but aren’t honest enough to admit when I intimidate you. I wish you could, and you worked on it for a while, but it seems you’ve given up once more. At least as it relates to me. I hope you can develop the decency to be transparent in all your other relationships.

The distance is also a pain. I’m sorry for seeking your captivation at unusual hours when you are unwilling to entertain my banter. Again, please tell me when you are uninterested in talking. I would understand.

I hope we meet again one day and are able to talk cordially and kindly like we used to. I know you want me to forget you and move on, but I still love you. But I recognize the burden my love may bring. I know it’s a lot to process, but please know that I don’t say it to pressure you into confronting it now. I just say it out of my heart. You, of course, are still unsure. You don’t seem to know where exactly you want to reside, what exactly you want your career to be, or how exactly you want to care for your emotional wellbeing. Please take some time to discover yourself. I love you always. Good luck and God bless you. Happy new year.

Sometimes I wonder why you rebuke me.

Maybe it is truly because I am a terrible shrew who whines and curses too much and does not acknowledge boundaries.

Other times I think you try your best to be horrible to me to prove a point. You want me to cry and try to write/speak in rapid succession to you, apologizing again and explaining myself again, just to confirm to yourself that you are not worthy of love.

Confirming that you know how to undermine people and question their friendship and loyalty does not confirm that you are unworthy of love.

You’ve hurt me a lot, but I’m not ready to give up. You’ve tried to get me to give up time and time again. You may think you have finally succeeded during my current bout of direct non- communication, but you haven’t. I am just recouping and trying to find my bravery again. I have the stamina.

I don’t think you truly want to cut me off. You just don’t know how to react to my episodes sometimes, but I’ve been working on limiting them, and you’ve been working on telling me when they bother you (directly). We also have different ideas of problem-solving, and I think we are both a little too stuck in our ways in that respect. We could learn something from each other.

I’d love to get back in touch. I don’t know who will initiate it. I am the wordsmith, but you are methodical and much braver than I. I’ve thought about it, but my energy just isn’t there yet. If yours is, great. I will listen as long as you speak gently.

I love you and I miss you.

Talking in circles

Part of the Isolation Journals, Day 91.

Around and around. I think we’re in good graces again. I explain my rationale, you accept it and realize that we reason differently. Neither of us meant harm. We apologize to one another. We go on again as normal for a while, then it creeps up again. My mistake enters your conscience once more and you lash at me for it. I say sorry again, but I’m unsure if you’ve absorbed it. You still scold me. I explain again why I sinned, but you can’t grasp it. You give up, or you press me to forget you. I don’t want to. I didn’t think you did either. But this time, you blocked me.

Is this on two different social media? You viewed one profile recently, but I’m unsure if I would even know you did if I were blocked. I am too nervous to make amends. I’m too nervous to visit any of your profiles. Why would you do this when we are so far apart? You told me we would stay in touch while you moved away, but for the past month, we haven’t. You told me we’d still be in frequent contact. You told me you weren’t done with me and never would be. Why does that always change? Why do you give up so easily? Friendships are about growing, arguing and changing. But you are scared every time that happens. Debate and strife is bound to happen. Stop disowning everyone at any small vignette. Take it in stride.

I was supportive, attentive, charming, thoughtful, funny…a superstar. Now I’m terrible. I’m rude, selfish, and I let you down. I’m so tired of being one or the other and your attitude being so hot-and-cold. It’s so polar and there are too many extremes and too many mood swings. I was so relieved when I heard this criticism from a mutual friend, but really…should I have been? If you were married, you’d just get divorced. If you were an identity thief, you’d become an informant. If you were in a cult, you could quit. In so many of my other fantastical anxieties I have of new people, there was a simpler path to improvement. But your actual dark side fluctuates, and isn’t as simple as being divorced, testified, or shunned.

But I empathize. I’m no emotional extremist, but I am depressed and anxious, clinically, but not all-encompassingly so. My dark side fluctuates as well. Marilyn Monroe supposedly philosophized “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” I don’t believe you’ve seen my worst, and maybe that’s because I’m such a centrist, unlike the bipolar Marilyn. My nuanced take is, “If you can’t handle me at my worse times, you don’t deserve me at my better times.” And it’s fine if you want to retreat away from me after my worse times until you can regain the energy to see my better times. I’d love to see you again, and I know I can get even better, and you can, too. We can’t completely rid our worse selves, but we can work to weaken them. “For better or worse” is not applied to marriage vows because it’s an exclusive concept towards matrimony, but because this is often a new chapter of life for people and it must be reiterated in all we do. Please don’t give up. I dearly hope you see this.