I will

I will do better,

I will be better,

I will get more,

I will get respect.

I will get appreciation.

I will get validated,

I will love others.

Others will love me.

~ This is a positive affirmation I wrote to myself more than a year ago on a piece of receipt paper during a particularly stressful day working as a saleslady in a department store. It’s a very crumpled and stained paper, and it’s in my crummiest handwriting. Though I thought the message was good, and I need to remind myself of these certainties as often as possible. So I’m preserving this message here before I get rid of the paper.

Dedicated to someone

A year ago today, you told me that you loved me, and I said the same. I was surprised that I was brave enough to admit it aloud to you and myself.

Now, you haven’t talked to me in several months, and denied me any access to reaching out. I was very depressed and confused about this at first, but I think I understand now. My love is very intense, as is my trust and reliance in you. It can be very intimidating and overwhelming. You cherish it sometimes, but other times it is too much for you to bear. You don’t have all the answers, you can’t mend the source of my upset into a tidy, compact package of resolution, and neither could I with your problems. But I admitted it. You sometimes get tongue-tied and feel neglected, but aren’t honest enough to admit when I intimidate you. I wish you could, and you worked on it for a while, but it seems you’ve given up once more. At least as it relates to me. I hope you can develop the decency to be transparent in all your other relationships.

The distance is also a pain. I’m sorry for seeking your captivation at unusual hours when you are unwilling to entertain my banter. Again, please tell me when you are uninterested in talking. I would understand.

I hope we meet again one day and are able to talk cordially and kindly like we used to. I know you want me to forget you and move on, but I still love you. But I recognize the burden my love may bring. I know it’s a lot to process, but please know that I don’t say it to pressure you into confronting it now. I just say it out of my heart. You, of course, are still unsure. You don’t seem to know where exactly you want to reside, what exactly you want your career to be, or how exactly you want to care for your emotional wellbeing. Please take some time to discover yourself. I love you always. Good luck and God bless you. Happy new year.

Looking under my bed

I woke up a few days ago and the pendant on the chain around my neck fell off. It was on when I went to bed, so I know it’s tucked away somewhere in the vicinity. So I checked underneath, amid cobwebs and dusty clothes.

I couldn’t find the pendant, but I did find some old notebooks. Sort of diaries, but not strictly so. Stories, poems, songs, streams of consciousness, etc.

I’ve always been a good writer (and illustrator,as there were a few doodles), and maybe the stuff I saw showed some promise, but they just seemed so nonsensical at times. I was so emphatic. I understand, young Sheila! This character is enamored with another character! This story is set in the 1940s!

Don’t get me started on the needless cussing. I thought goddamn swear words made you sound fucking grown up. Maybe in some parts, but once I realized I could swear and nothing earth-shattering would happen I started doing it too much. Swears become so weak if you use them often.

Once I’ve become a more renowned writer to a broader demographic, I want to share my mediocre work as well and make good edits. It would be a neat educational adventure. I think it will be best executed either in audio or video show. Whenever it happens, you’ll probably be able to find it on my SoundCloud or YouTube.