Tag: every cause is worthy

Dedicated to someone

A year ago today, you told me that you loved me, and I said the same. I was surprised that I was brave enough to admit it aloud to you and myself.

Now, you haven’t talked to me in several months, and denied me any access to reaching out. I was very depressed and confused about this at first, but I think I understand now. My love is very intense, as is my trust and reliance in you. It can be very intimidating and overwhelming. You cherish it sometimes, but other times it is too much for you to bear. You don’t have all the answers, you can’t mend the source of my upset into a tidy, compact package of resolution, and neither could I with your problems. But I admitted it. You sometimes get tongue-tied and feel neglected, but aren’t honest enough to admit when I intimidate you. I wish you could, and you worked on it for a while, but it seems you’ve given up once more. At least as it relates to me. I hope you can develop the decency to be transparent in all your other relationships.

The distance is also a pain. I’m sorry for seeking your captivation at unusual hours when you are unwilling to entertain my banter. Again, please tell me when you are uninterested in talking. I would understand.

I hope we meet again one day and are able to talk cordially and kindly like we used to. I know you want me to forget you and move on, but I still love you. But I recognize the burden my love may bring. I know it’s a lot to process, but please know that I don’t say it to pressure you into confronting it now. I just say it out of my heart. You, of course, are still unsure. You don’t seem to know where exactly you want to reside, what exactly you want your career to be, or how exactly you want to care for your emotional wellbeing. Please take some time to discover yourself. I love you always. Good luck and God bless you. Happy new year.

Sometimes I wonder why you rebuke me.

Maybe it is truly because I am a terrible shrew who whines and curses too much and does not acknowledge boundaries.

Other times I think you try your best to be horrible to me to prove a point. You want me to cry and try to write/speak in rapid succession to you, apologizing again and explaining myself again, just to confirm to yourself that you are not worthy of love.

Confirming that you know how to undermine people and question their friendship and loyalty does not confirm that you are unworthy of love.

You’ve hurt me a lot, but I’m not ready to give up. You’ve tried to get me to give up time and time again. You may think you have finally succeeded during my current bout of direct non- communication, but you haven’t. I am just recouping and trying to find my bravery again. I have the stamina.

I don’t think you truly want to cut me off. You just don’t know how to react to my episodes sometimes, but I’ve been working on limiting them, and you’ve been working on telling me when they bother you (directly). We also have different ideas of problem-solving, and I think we are both a little too stuck in our ways in that respect. We could learn something from each other.

I’d love to get back in touch. I don’t know who will initiate it. I am the wordsmith, but you are methodical and much braver than I. I’ve thought about it, but my energy just isn’t there yet. If yours is, great. I will listen as long as you speak gently.

I love you and I miss you.