Dedicated to someone

A year ago today, you told me that you loved me, and I said the same. I was surprised that I was brave enough to admit it aloud to you and myself.

Now, you haven’t talked to me in several months, and denied me any access to reaching out. I was very depressed and confused about this at first, but I think I understand now. My love is very intense, as is my trust and reliance in you. It can be very intimidating and overwhelming. You cherish it sometimes, but other times it is too much for you to bear. You don’t have all the answers, you can’t mend the source of my upset into a tidy, compact package of resolution, and neither could I with your problems. But I admitted it. You sometimes get tongue-tied and feel neglected, but aren’t honest enough to admit when I intimidate you. I wish you could, and you worked on it for a while, but it seems you’ve given up once more. At least as it relates to me. I hope you can develop the decency to be transparent in all your other relationships.

The distance is also a pain. I’m sorry for seeking your captivation at unusual hours when you are unwilling to entertain my banter. Again, please tell me when you are uninterested in talking. I would understand.

I hope we meet again one day and are able to talk cordially and kindly like we used to. I know you want me to forget you and move on, but I still love you. But I recognize the burden my love may bring. I know it’s a lot to process, but please know that I don’t say it to pressure you into confronting it now. I just say it out of my heart. You, of course, are still unsure. You don’t seem to know where exactly you want to reside, what exactly you want your career to be, or how exactly you want to care for your emotional wellbeing. Please take some time to discover yourself. I love you always. Good luck and God bless you. Happy new year.

We are not an entirety.

I know there’s racial inequity. It’s still unfair for people to make blanket assumptions about me because someone who “looks like me” (by that I mean they share my complexion alone; I’ve found it very discouraging when others say any other bespectacled, round-faced woman with light brown hair looks like me) or someone in my position (assisting a state government) has wronged them or aided and abetted wrongdoers. If you don’t know that I’ve done this, give me the benefit of the doubt. People are so quick to excuse any wariness from minorities or the marginalized but don’t talk about how keeping these prejudices is only furthering the cycle.

I’m tired of clapping for minorities when they say they don’t trust lawyers, law enforcement, or health departments. I’m tired of standing back in awe. That’s awful, of course. But I’m tired of people trying to wow me. I know, it sucks. Still, have some respect. We are all individuals. And it’s not like you’re the only demographic who distrusts the establishment. I have distrust too. Still, I try to give people a chance. I won’t always be duped, misled, or betrayed. Please stop giving excuses for people to continue being scared of helpful services, neighbors, and our siblings in spirit. Just because you have a fear of some systemic entity does not mean your fear isn’t prejudicial and shouldn’t be counselled.