A year ago today, you told me that you loved me, and I said the same. I was surprised that I was brave enough to admit it aloud to you and myself.
Now, you haven’t talked to me in several months, and denied me any access to reaching out. I was very depressed and confused about this at first, but I think I understand now. My love is very intense, as is my trust and reliance in you. It can be very intimidating and overwhelming. You cherish it sometimes, but other times it is too much for you to bear. You don’t have all the answers, you can’t mend the source of my upset into a tidy, compact package of resolution, and neither could I with your problems. But I admitted it. You sometimes get tongue-tied and feel neglected, but aren’t honest enough to admit when I intimidate you. I wish you could, and you worked on it for a while, but it seems you’ve given up once more. At least as it relates to me. I hope you can develop the decency to be transparent in all your other relationships.
The distance is also a pain. I’m sorry for seeking your captivation at unusual hours when you are unwilling to entertain my banter. Again, please tell me when you are uninterested in talking. I would understand.
I hope we meet again one day and are able to talk cordially and kindly like we used to. I know you want me to forget you and move on, but I still love you. But I recognize the burden my love may bring. I know it’s a lot to process, but please know that I don’t say it to pressure you into confronting it now. I just say it out of my heart. You, of course, are still unsure. You don’t seem to know where exactly you want to reside, what exactly you want your career to be, or how exactly you want to care for your emotional wellbeing. Please take some time to discover yourself. I love you always. Good luck and God bless you. Happy new year.
But I can’t figure it out, though it seems dozens of my friends have. But nothing is conclusive. Their complaints vary, as do their disinterests and rejections. Some stopped inviting me to parties or playdates, some deleted my phone number from their contacts, some just ignored any text I would send, some blocked me, some removed me on a friend list on a social network, some put me on restricted access in their friend list, some made painful comments about preferring a demure version of myself I am often. But I have no pride in the timid side of me; I pity it. I’m happiest when I’m most expressive. Saying “I liked it better when you were quiet” is akin to “I liked it when you were uncomfortable and unsure of yourself. When you didn’t retaliate any offenses and showed no passions.” Comments like this only self-perpetuate this pattern.
What is the problem? Maybe part of it is my verbose nature and how I constantly shift subjects. Another might be how I can only offer support and empathy after a breakup or admission of unrequited love and have no surefire solutions. Maybe it’s my uneasiness at being employed by one friend to consult our mutual friend about an issue they have together. I am more autistic, individualistic and American than I care to admit, and being a messenger proxy or intermediary when I have no direction correlation to this conflict does not make sense to me, and forgive me if I think a direct confrontation would be more powerful.
Forgive me, too, if I am bitter about my occupations and economical landscape. I had small aspirations in addition to large goals as a child, and I always wanted to work in a department store. While I’m very happy I achieved this dream, it made me very sad that the industry has been cannibalized and usurped by larger competitors, and later big-box e-commerce behemoths. It’s a justice and equity issue, which I hope you’d know all about. I am sorry I have ideals of what a proper company is and how its respective employees should be afforded. I’m still sorry that I don’t look upon this experience in total disdain and choose instead to walk the narrow path of good and bad. I’m sorry for still having some pride and favorable opinions of a decaying industry. I’m additionally sorry for disagreeing that allowing oligarchs to continue to rule the economy will positively shape the future. There should be a cap on how much corporate expansion is enough.
I’m sorry for not having traveled very much or sharing too many crazy, foreign experiences. I’m sorry I believe that “casual” or “no-strings attached” arrangements will only lead to heartbreak, or STDs and pregnancies. I’m sorry that I think significantly less of you and your morality if you seek them out.
Please tell me why I repulse you so much over time, friends and peers. Youth and elders don’t seem to be nearly as effected by this curse I weld.